he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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