i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
