I can text with my tongue
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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