I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
