Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
