saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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