Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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