Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
