my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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