Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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