Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
