Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
