My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize