What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
