He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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