its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
