you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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