One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
