I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
