Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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