I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
