i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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