Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
