you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
