just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
