if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
