just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
