My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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