I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The beers last night were like the tears from god
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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