i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
