We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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