i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize