the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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