When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
