We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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