Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
