she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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