my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
So many bounce houses so little time
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
