This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
