i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
