I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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