You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
