is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
