stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Two words: blizzard sex
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
