my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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