so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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