I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I FOUND THE LEGS
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
All the doctor said was why
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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