You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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