Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
