Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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