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Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize