I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
