she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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