Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
splinters make it hard to masturbate
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
