I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
