Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
