After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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