i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
