There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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