there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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